I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
