fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
