Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
