Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
