I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
