Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
