My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
