I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
