im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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