it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
