And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
