I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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