Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
