Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i've created a new STD.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize