At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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