I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
