Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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