Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
