I will die if light touches me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
