Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
