im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
