Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
