Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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