Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
