I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
