i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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