Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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