she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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