Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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