party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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