I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
