you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
