Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
