I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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