My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
