I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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