I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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