Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
