I wannas sexs uuuuu
Me too!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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