i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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