the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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