I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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