She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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