mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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