I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
