Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
