I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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