He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
