I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
