I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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