My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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