ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
