I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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