Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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