I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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