just come out here and I will go home with you...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
