Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
