In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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